When I was first diagnosed with cancer, my main concern was and has continued to be my children. I didn't want them to be scared or worried. I didn't want them to have to see me sick and not able to do for them as I usually do: cooking their meals, washing their clothes, tucking them in, playing games with them, laughing with them, reading to them, etc... I didn't want them to lose their mom and have to grow up without me.
God has blessed me so much and put all of these concerns to rest. We've been able to handle this without scaring them and causing them to be worried. I have been able to do for them as I always have in most cases, and cancer isn't going to take me out of this world right now.
But, that doesn't mean that my kids have come through 'mom having cancer' without any changes. They have seen, heard, and learned things over the past few months that I wish they hadn't had to. They have seen my surgery wound (and now scars). They have seen my fatigue and seen my hair get thinner and thinner. They have seen my radiation 'markers' and the burns I now have. They have heard me describe things to family and friends, heard the countdown of weeks for treatment. They've learned words like 'chemo' and 'radiation' and know a lot more about what that means than I want them to. The words flow from their mouths easily, like they've been a part of their language forever. The first time I realized it, it made me sad. That these things had come into my kids lives and become so routine for them.
The good thing is that along the way, my kids have also seen, heard, and learned some good things. They've seen my church family lifting me up in prayer, they've seen the cards that come in the mail showing concern for our family, they've seen family and friends come and bring food and gifts, they've seen their mom and dad go through this with a smile and a trust in God's will. They've seen the love and support from those who love us. They've heard the many, many people come up to us anywhere we may be to let us know they are praying for us, they've heard me and their dad share the amazing ways God has blessed us through this trial. They've learned that cancer is a bad thing, but that God is so good to us, we don't have to be afraid of it. They've learned that there are a multitude of people that love us and are there when we need them. They've learned that God hears and answers prayers.
Like almost every mom I know, I will admit that when my children came into my life, they became my world. The love I have for them is like nothing else I can describe. I want the very best for them and would gladly shield them from every bad thing in this world if only I could. That is why they were my first and main concern when I found out I had cancer. That is why the impact on them was what I was most scared about.
Thankfully, like every other aspect of my journey through cancer, God has been right there holding them up and keeping those beautiful smiles on their faces. He answered my deepest, most important prayers to Him, the ones concerning my children. I can never thank Him enough.
There are things my kids know now, good and bad, that will be a part of shaping them into who they will be and I thank God I will be here to see the results!!
